Absolutely yes, I can hear you all shouting out to me. The fact that I have headed today’s entry with that particular question implies that I must be contemplating not engaging with the therapy that I have started.
Well to a certain extent it’s true, I have been thinking that. Especially today. Why today? I have found today, really hard. I went out to get some basics from Sainsbury’s and was almost in tears the whole time. It would not have taken much to push me over the edge. In the end. I just had to get the hell out!
The problem was that for some reason, my mind was on therapy and what I will have to go through in order to get ‘better’, whatever that means, and therein lies the answer to why I’m scared of therapy, why I am contemplating not engaging with it.
If I’m honest, its that bloody word ‘better’ that I’m really frightened of. For 40 years I have hidden myself so well, buried myself so deeply that I genuinely do not know what getting ‘better’ means. How will I know if I am better?
I feel the same way about losing weight. I suppose that they are inextricably linked, even one of the same thing. I am frightened of being a thin person. I don’t know what being thin would be like, I don’t know how to behave as a thin person. All the while that I am fat, I can hide, I can use it as an excuse to not interact with society. You see that’s safe. If I don’t interact, I can stay indoors. I can shut the world out. Losing weight and getting better would put an end to all that.
I am aware that in order to get through the day, week, my life that I have to put on a mask. But you know what? Years, nay decades ago I forgot to take the mask of and it has got stuck. I can’t find the edges to begin to peel it off and I dont really want to, I just know that its is going to be just too painful. Unlike a plaster, it cannot be ripped off in one go, it will have to be done slowly.
An interesting thought has just come to me. I used the phrase ‘not engaging with therapy’ that would suggest that I would attend, but not partake. If was really serious, would I not be contemplating not going? I don’t fucking know!
I’m so confused. Want to better, don’t want to be better. Want to be thin, don’t want to be thin. Want to be in society, don’t want to be in society. Want to engage with therapy, don’t want to engage with therapy.
My life is just full of ‘want to/don’t to’. What kind of existence is that?
Vince's weight loss and life as a survivor! 
I wrote a long answer and it all got deleted! Short version. A friend was starting a degree course and went into major panic when she looked at the year three stuff. Her sister said words to effect “Don’t look at that. You will grow with the course. When you get to year three it will be ok.” So it feels like you are projecting yourself to the end of therapy and weight loss etc but not factoring in your “growth” socially and in many other ways. It took you many many years to get where you are and that has become the norm for you. The change and the challenges will be gradual. So rather than jumping off a cliff you will be lowered down very gradually. Have I used enough metaphors?! At the moment you feel “safe”. So this is all bound to be a big challenge. The “comfort zone” is usually there for a reason. Good luck! xx
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Hi Susie, thank you for your comment, you have managed to preci exactly how I feel. I especially like the metaphor of the cliff. That is how it feels, when I get close to to the cliff edge, I feel dizzy and sick etc., and have the tendency to walk away. I somehow need to find a way of climbing down that cliff slowly and safely, but I ha e realised over the last few days that I really need the help of others to do this. Again many thanks, x
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Suzie,
My wife and I went to a talk last week about eating disorders, anorexia, etc. There are many, many parallels with what you have written Suzie. Thanks for sharing.
David
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I second everything Susie has said. Xxxxx
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Thank you Chris, xxx
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