These are just some of the emotions that I have been feeling. It’s strange, because these emotions come over me in waves and largely without warning and to add even more confusion to what at times feels like a witches cauldron that is boiling and almost overflowing, I don’t know what to do with them.
Take yesterday. I just could not settle down to anything. Tried reading, no good. Tried watching television, no good. Tried doing some Crochet, no good. I just could not concentrate on anything.
Yesterday was mainly about shame and guilt. I do not feel shame about what he did to me, at least I don’t think I do and I don’t feel guilt about it either. However, I do feel both guilt and shame because I allowed it to continue for so long. To this day, 45 years later, that eats away at me. I also have guilt that I didn’t tell my parents, although I maintain that if I had, I would have lost my dad as he would have killed him, quite literally.
The emotion that bothers me most is hate. I feel hatred on several levels. I hate what he did to me. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate him, God how I hate him and I also and this is the biggy, I hate that he has made me hate.
All this is churning over and over in my brain. I can’t figure it out. I just want it to stop. No, I need it to stop. For 45 years, my stomach has been in a state of turmoil. I have lived in a a permanent state of anxiety, so much so that anxiety became the norm and I didn’t realise that till now. Now that I know that, now that I have voiced it I have to face it and I don’t want to and I hate him for that too.
Vince's weight loss and life as a survivor! 