I am beginning to dread Monday, it’s the day that I weigh and message Connor with the result. I dread it, not because I worry about what Connor might think or say, he is nothing but supportive and encouraging. I dread it because of my own reaction. I know that if it’s not a good result, then my mood immediately drops and all my good intentions become even more difficult to achieve.

I got up this morning, just after six, got on the scales only to see that I am the same weight, have lost diddly squat! I’m gutted, went straight back to bed and tried to switch off by starting a new crochet project, did it work, no! I am gutted, can’t get away from the thought that it’s no use trying.

Yesterday, at Connors suggestion, I tried to up my steps from 1000 to 1500 per day. I succeeded, in fact I did 1930! I actually walked around my block of flats, and managed it without it sending my heart all over the place. Can’t be bothered to do it today, what’s the point is what that ugly dark voice in my head is saying (thoughts, I am not hearing voices!).

I have to go to Sainsbury’s in a minute, as I am out of basics, please God don’t make me buy and eat crap!

God, I really wish that we did not have to eat, how my life would improve without it. I’m beginning to realise that I hate the damn stuff. I shove food down my throat, and fucking hate it, even the stuff that tastes so good.

As Christine requested, here is a picture of my fantastic fish tank, well I think it’s fantastic!

I also thought I would post a picture of my latest crochet project. I only started it about 2 hours ago and it’s the most complicated project I have undertaken to date, hope you like it.

Hi all, firstly, I apologise for my tardiness. On two counts: one, there are a couple of people who took the time to make a comment on my last blog and I have not yet replied, I promise that I will reply. It is rude of me not to have replied yet, but I will do. Secondly, I apologise for leaving it so long before publishing a post. When I started this, I intended to publish a couple of times a week, and I still want to do that. The only excuse is one of tardiness, well that and the fact that I was knocked a bit sideways with a viral infection.

I thought that I would take the time today to tell you a little about myself, perhaps I should have done that in the first place, but there you go, I’m doing it now.

The reason I haven’t done it before, may sound a bit bizarre if you read my last blog. I actually do find it difficult to talk about my self in that way. The worst question you could ask me at an interview is “tell us a bit about yourself. ” Consequently whenever I have interviewed anyone for a post, it’s a question I never asked. I believe that a good interviewer doesn’t have to ask that question, but I digress.

I am 57, will be 58 next week. I am single, never been married or come close to it, by design.  I do not want to share my life to that extent with anyone.  That makes me sound selfish, I hope that I’m not and I hope that those who know me would agree! It is more about, if I’m honest, that I don’t think im a good enough person that someone would ever want to share their life with me, so I have never asked anyone.

What else? I keep tropical fish! I am very proud of my aquarium, it is my pride and joy. Most blokes would possibly say their pride and joy is their car, but as I don’t have a car (I’m medically excluded from driving), I plough all my money into my tank. To give you some idea, it is 5 foot long, three foot high and 3.5 foot wide (apporox). It holds 450 litres (100 gallons) of water and is stunningly beautiful. I have it professionally maintained, I could not possibly maintain it myself. It definitely has the Wow! factor. I love it.

I crochet, yes you read it right, crochet. I am completely self taught, thanks to a present of a book (and hook) on how to crochet from some really good friends a couple of Christmases ago and also to You Tube, which I am a big fan of. Even if I say it myself, I am good at it.i mainly make blankets, which I give to charity and or friends.

I sing with a choir, the Rock Choir. This is the highlight if my week. It is true to say the Rock Choir has literally saved my life. I joined in February this year and was in a dark, dark place prior to joining. I have undergone several bouts of therapy, including CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but singing with the choir has been the best therapy ever. I am badly missing it as we have been on summer break since July, restarting again mid September. A bit like parliament, but unlike Parliament, our Choir Leader is not going to porogue the Choir! Lol (we love you Chris, if you’re reading this?).

So thats me in a rather large nutshell, at least all I’m prepared to say about me at this stage, but who knows what future blogs will hold?

Thanks for reading, and I’ll write again soon. X

If I’m honest and I said right at the beginning of of this venture, that I would be. I have been on a downward spiral for a couple of weeks. Sure, I’ve been unwell with a viral infection and I think that has a part to play with how I feel.

I have just weighed and I gained 4.5lbs. Everytime I have tried to lose weight, something has hindered me, got in the way, stopped me from trying. The first time I tried was just over 9 years ago. I was doing well, I lost 5 stone, what was my reward? A heart attack! 2 years later, I tried again, and what happened, my father got prostate cancer and died! 11 months later, whilst caring for my mother, she asked me to try and lose weight again, so I went back on the healthy eating regime again, three months later, just as I was beginning to see success, she died.

Now comes the crunch. I am not a stupid man, I in fact think that I am reasonably intelligent, after all gained a degree 10 years ago to prove it. I know that logically, everything I have just described has nothing to with me losing weight.

But I’m scared. My confused brain has told me that the virus I have just had is a warning sign.

You know I cannot even bring myself to write it down. All I can say is that I really feel that I cant cope with it.

What is it? Life? Living? Losing weight? Anything that takes commitment? Answer: all of the above!

I know that I am on a downward spiral, I dont know how to put the brakes on. What is possible even more pertinent is that I dont know if I want to put the brakes on. What I do know is that I’m a fucking mess. Shit, I hate my life.

All my life consists of is: lose weight, eat, lose weight, something major (negatively) will happen in my lfe, so eat, more to stop it. Its illogical I know. I dont know what to do?

Sorry I’ve not posted for a few days, but I’ve a bit of a nasty virul infection that has poleaxed me for a few days. Coming through the other side of it now, I hope!

I’ve just realised that I have not taken my night time meds. There are times when I really really hate medication. Tonight is one if those times. It’s only 6 pills and an injection, but God it’s such a pain in the proverbial. It brings it home to me that my very existence is reliant on pills, pills and more pills followed by injections and finger prick blood tests. If I follow the regime properly, I have to take 14 pills in the morning and 6 at night and stick a bloody needle in me at least six times a day. Its pissing me off and I’m struggling with it.

My life revolves around medication and food. I hate my life and whish I didn’t have to live it, but the alternative is so appalling awful, or is it?

Today I am going to complete my findings on the small research project I have completed on sugar. I’ve quite enjoyed the research and I hope that you have too?

Too much sugar may accelerate the skin ageing process!

Too much sugar in your foods can increase the production of AES’s – Advanced Glycation End products. These are compounds formed by the reaction between sugars and protein in the body. They are also suspected to increase the ageing process in the skin. In short they may increase wrinkles.

So instead of spending money on wrinkle cream, fillers and botox jabs (ouch!), etc., why not try eating less sugar and sugar laden foods you never know, it might work, and if it does, you might save money instead of spending it! Win, win!

Too much sugar can drain your energy

If you eat too many foods that contain high levels of sugar this will cause a spike in your sugar levels, which can be followed by a crash. When this happens, it can cause a drain on your energy levels. I can vouch that this true, as I have experienced it personally. It at times has forced me to take too my bed. This is especially important, if like me you have diabetes. It can create a medical emergency called Hyperglycemia, this can result in a hyperglycemic coma, which if left untreated can cause death. If you are diabetic, then it does not take too much sugar for this too happen.

Other Health Risks.

I shall end today’s blog, by listing some other health risks that can be caused by eating too much sugar

• An increase in kidney disease
• A negative impact on your dental health
• An increase in gout
• Can speed up cognitive decline, i.e. dementia.

Well that’s it for today, in the next blog in this series, I shall take a look at what we can do to decrease the amount of sugar that we are shoving into our bodies at an alarming rate.

Please note, that all the tips I have given throughout my series of blogs entitled the Demon That is Sugar, are my own, not scientific fact and therefore might not work. Just suggestions from an amateur blogger! (I have watched too much Jusde Rinder!!

Food glorious food, hot sausage and mustard. While we’re in the mood, cold jelly and custard.

So the song goes on. Those boys, struggling for the tiniest morsel of food to stay alive, are rightly obsessed with thinking about food. They think about it from the moment they awake to the moment they fall asleep on the cold stone floor of the workhouse. They think about food and are obsessed by food because they are literally starving. They barely have enough to sustain their miserable, lowly lives.

I, in the other hand, have a fridge, freezer and store cupboard crammed full of the damn stuff.  At any given point, I can walk to my kitchen and get myself something to eat.

So why am I obsessed with food? It is all I think about during my waking hours. There are even times when I dream about the damn stuff. I cannot get away from culinary thoughts.

Trying to limit how much I consume and at the same time when I do eat, eat healthily, only makes the cravings worse.

I’m not sure if the times I write are published with my blogs, but it is currently 43 minutes past midnight. I came to bed just over two hours ago with bad cravings. I could almost literally smell the toast cooking, or see the hock of bacon, in my fridge (interestingly, I have neither any bread or a bacon hock!). Fortunately, I fell asleep fairly quickly. I woke up two hours later and the cravings have not dissipated!!

I have not given in, but it makes me so bloody miserable. I’m in tears writing this. What a bloody state to allow yourself to get into.

Going to put my CPAP mask (I have sleep apnoea) and try to go back to sleep, let’s hope that when I wake again, the cravings will have passed.

I suspect not.

Connor, who is supporting me through this, suggested that I research sugar and the damage that it can cause. So I’ve done just that.

Most of what I am going to say is from a website called HEALTHLINE. It is fair to say that some of what I have written, is verbatim and some is paphrased by my self.

Those of us who have weight issues, get fed up with people who keep on at us to lose weight by eating a low fat and low sugar diet. But it ‘ain’t all that easy! If it was, well, there wouldn’t be what is rapidly becoming a crisis with obesity.

It is not just added sugar that can cause weight, it is also natural sugars, which occur in all foods especially carbs and fruit.

Connor mentioned in our discussion that all sugars have the same parallel pathway through the body. Wow!

Anyway, this is the result of my findings.

Sugar Causes Weight Gain.

Consuming too much added sugar, especially ‘full fat fizzy’ drinks, not only rots your teeth and causes flatulence, but is also a major cause of weight gain. If you drink too much soft drinks that are not labelled no added sugar, you will gain weight. But, if you also drinks labelled no added sugar, you will also gain weight. Remember if it said no added sugar, it can still be full of natural sugars. Moderation is called for.

Can Increase Risk of Heart Disease.

High sugar diets have been linked to an increased risk of dying from heart disease. Again this includes high levels of natural sugars.

Has been linked to the upsurge in adult acne.

This one I definitely did not know! A high level of sugar in your diet, increases the secretion of androgens which in turn increases the production of oils and inflammation, which in turn increases the risk of acne and I thought acne was the result of too much fat!

How often do you hear people say, “I’ve had a breakout”? It might not be the fry up for breakfast they had, but might be the sugar they put on their grapefruit and in their tea and in the marmalade they smothered on their toast! (I’m talking about myself, here, well mainly myself)

Increases the risk of type 2 diabetes.

We all know this, I know. I think it is worth mentioning because not everybody realises what a horribly serious illness diabetes is. Too much sugar in your blood leads to a severe increase in the resistance to insulin, the root cause of diabetes. This horrible disease can cause blindness, loss of (whole, not just finger and toes!) And ultimately death. Too much added and natural sugar can kill!

That’s all for today, I shall continue this ‘theses!” Tomorrow. I think that you all agree that my title of The Demon That is Sugar! Is proving to be very apt.

I’ve not felt very well today, nothing specific. Just generally under the weather. I did not get up this morning till approaching 11am, that’s quite unusual for me unless I am on a complete depressive downer, in which case its extremely difficult for me to get out of bed at all.

Today is different, but it has led me to feeling really down and in fact I did take to my bed for a couple of hours this afternoon. I have got up now, but my mood has dropped. Really dropped, it would not take much for me to end up in tears and even when I am on my own I don’t like being in tears. There are times though that I have no choice and the tears just flow. But not today

I am now in a quandary. My normal response to the way I am feeling at the moment, would be to go to the fridge or the larder, or indeed both, and just eat, eat and eat and the eat some more. But this I do not want to do.

So far, I have managed to fight the urge. I have had a cup of hot chocolate from my Tassimo to see if that helps. I have yet to have my main meal, but I am refraining from too, I don’t want to eat till half six at the earliest, as I am finding that if I eat any earlier, then I am likely to ‘graze’ and, for me grazing is fatal! But at the moment, I could eat a bowlful of cold sour sprouts!!

I have a question that keeps looming in my head. What makes me eat? Is it genuine hunger, is it depression, is it habit, or is it something else? I genuinely don’t know.

One of the theories I have is that I am addicted to food. Now this may be a bit of an excuse, but I don’t think so. The trouble is, with every other addiction bar none, the only way to beat an addiction is to stop partaking of it. You obviously cannot do this with food without quite literal dire consequences.

I’m going to stop writing now and prepare my evening meal, salmon fish cakes and rice.

See you soon!

This photo was taken a couple of weeks ago, I shall periodically post photos to show my progress.