If I’m honest and I said right at the beginning of of this venture, that I would be. I have been on a downward spiral for a couple of weeks. Sure, I’ve been unwell with a viral infection and I think that has a part to play with how I feel.
I have just weighed and I gained 4.5lbs. Everytime I have tried to lose weight, something has hindered me, got in the way, stopped me from trying. The first time I tried was just over 9 years ago. I was doing well, I lost 5 stone, what was my reward? A heart attack! 2 years later, I tried again, and what happened, my father got prostate cancer and died! 11 months later, whilst caring for my mother, she asked me to try and lose weight again, so I went back on the healthy eating regime again, three months later, just as I was beginning to see success, she died.
Now comes the crunch. I am not a stupid man, I in fact think that I am reasonably intelligent, after all gained a degree 10 years ago to prove it. I know that logically, everything I have just described has nothing to with me losing weight.
But I’m scared. My confused brain has told me that the virus I have just had is a warning sign.
You know I cannot even bring myself to write it down. All I can say is that I really feel that I cant cope with it.
What is it? Life? Living? Losing weight? Anything that takes commitment? Answer: all of the above!
I know that I am on a downward spiral, I dont know how to put the brakes on. What is possible even more pertinent is that I dont know if I want to put the brakes on. What I do know is that I’m a fucking mess. Shit, I hate my life.
All my life consists of is: lose weight, eat, lose weight, something major (negatively) will happen in my lfe, so eat, more to stop it. Its illogical I know. I dont know what to do?
Vince's weight loss and life as a survivor! 
Hi Vincent. Please, please seek some outside help eg CBT counselling. This is so difficult to ‘go it alone’…your weight is the secondary problem but the addiction & relationship you have with food can be changed. Hopefully your GP can recommend and refer you? Nowt to do with intelligence. ..beliefs are buggers to change…but it can be done, with support. 👍X
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Thanks Helen, I am waiting for treatment from local mental health team, but it’s a long waiting list. At my assessment the assessor thought I may have an eating disorder? I dont know it’s just horrible at the moment x
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Hi Vincent. I used to work as an addictions counsellor at Options : 147, Shirley Rd Southampton. I have just googled it & It looks like they are still there!! 😃
http://www.optionscounselling.
co.uk phone no. 02380 630219 if you do ring them, please let me know how you get on! X
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Hi Helen, I did have a look at the site you suggested, but unfortunately they are completely out of my price range. They want £40 per session after the initial assessment, a fair price, but I just can’t afford it x
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The comment above re the addictions counselling is a good one. If this is available to you I’d try to make use of it. Food “addictions” are just as serious as any other. Put that together with psychological issues and individual physiology and, for some people, there is a sort of perfect storm. Perfect conditions for weight gain. That’s my theory anyway! Anxieties re your health and weight loss seem natural to me given your past experience. But obviously not desirable. I wish there were some magic words to help. xx
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Thank you so much, Susie for your words of advice. I did look into yesterday and u fortunately, it is completely out of possibilities for me financially. They charge £25 for an assessment, then £45 per hour forthwith, I just cannot afford it. I am waiting to start treatment with the CMHT, they think I may have an eating disorder and were talking about a referral to an eating disorder clinic. I hope they hurry up as I am getting desperate.
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Hi Vincent, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so crap. Waiting lists can be long; as well as the suggestion above, I wonder if it’s worth going back to your GP (or contacting the mental health team) and telling them that you are struggling even more and is it possible to move you up the list. Other than that, you have a lot of support here and within your Rock Choir family (not long until we’re back singing, yay!) so do keep expressing your feelings. You’re not alone in this. I also know from personal experience that the scales can be fickle: they can report big gains for very little off-plan eating, and are notoriously slow to show losses for weeks of on-plan intake! It could even be because you’ve upped your fluid intake in this hot weather. Although I know how much you want to lose weight, these numbers – especially taken individually – unfortunately show very little of the true picture, even though emotionally they can wreck us. Just try to treat each day – or even each hour – as a new opportunity to make the best choices you’re able. The attempt in itself makes you a success. xx
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Hi Sally, sorry for not replying sooner. Your comment spurred me on to contact the CMHT, they could not give a time limit, as I expected! However I am going to make a point of bothering them weekly, as I cannot go on like this.
I cannot wait for choir to start again, it’s the only thing I look forward to and I do intend to keep on postings, I need an outlet to vent! Xx
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So glad you’ll be pushing to get what you need. I know the services are over-stretched but it’s important you’re supported to get through to better times.
Definitely keep posting: you are being heard, and we all need an outlet to vent. x
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Dear Vincent I agree with everything Helen has said. You can also fill your thoughts with all that is good. Sunshine, good relationships etc.
Develop positive self thoughts. Keep a gratitude journal and do it every day. It’s a great discipline and you really can find things to be grateful for and doing this will help you feel stronger and happier. Check your daily routine. Have a plan for your day and plan it so you feel order and balance in your day. Be kind to yourself. You can do it you know. Sending you love and support, Helen x
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Thank you Helen for your comment, I apologise for answering sooner. I have started a gratitude journal as you suggested, I like the idea of looking at it when I’m on a downer, so thank you for that. X
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