I’ve been waiting, since July for my treatment with the CMHT (community mental health team), to begin. I recieved a phone call last last week inviting me for an appointment for my treatment to begin. I am presuming that the first appointment will be one of planning, before the treatment actually begins.
I should be pleased, and a good part of me is. Equally though, I’m scared. Scared of what I know the treatment will reveal. It will uncover periods of my past that I would prefer were left buried.
I know that these areas need to be uncovered, they are perhaps the root cause of my depression and weight problems.
Part of me and if I’m honest, a big part of me, does not want to get better. There I have said it. As I am at the moment, I can hide, hide behind my depression, hide behind my anxiety, largely hidden, but the other thing I can hide behind is very visible and that of course is my size. Who would want to friends or even more with someone as disgustingly fat as I am? Who would want to employ some one as fat as me? The answer, almost no one.
It may surprise you to know that all of that kind of suits me. It means that I can safely hide away from the world without having to mix with people. On my dark days/weeks/months/whole of my existence, I’ll even physically shut out the world, not open windows, get dressed or washed/showered everybody who lives with depression will understand that.
This is where I am confused. I like people, I like company. So why do I shy away from them?
Getting better will mean that I once again have to take my place in society. The thought of having a job makes me feel physically sick.
Today’s post must seem a bit erratic, sorry, normally I think about what I want to say and almost write it in my head. Today I have just written as it comes into my head, without giving any real thought to syntax etc., so I’m sorry if it reads badly. Oh well, there it is. Until next time x
Vince's weight loss and life as a survivor! 
You may feel confused but I sense a lot more in what you have written. I wonder if, perhaps, you feel that it’s easier for people to avoid you because of your size or depression or anxiety than for them to know some of what could be described as your darker side, your hurt, your anger maybe, and avoid you for that. Yet we are all, yes all of us, me included, both dark and light together.
I’m in mind of this quote by George Eliot “A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that gentle hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
Courage, my friend, muddy waters do become clear eventually.
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Thank you so much for your insight, I think you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you x
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Firstly…I’m delighted that your initial appointment has at last come through.
Of course you are feeling confused; the assistance that you have been asking and waiting for has now been offered to you and that is scary!
From what I’ve read (and from what I read in between the lines) you have already self-diagnosed yourself really well…the thought of sharing these thoughts , feelings and past experiences is probably quite overwhelming.
But…you don’t have to divulge all of these in one go…take your time, one small step at a time. Remember this: How can one eat an elephant ? Answer : In bite-size pieces.
Take care of yourself; they are your feelings.
Helen x
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
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You must come round for a coffee and chat Helen, x
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I think your fears re the big world are totally reasonable and justified. I’m guessing that your withdrawal from “the world” was a slow process? The more we withdraw the scarier the world “out there” becomes. Littlesteps. I wouldn’t even think re the end game. Good luck with the first appointment. X
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