You don’t look depressed

Ok. Why’s that?

You don’t look fed up, or sad, or pissed off

But I’m not; I live with depression

You don’t act depressed

Ok. Why’s that?

Your smiling, and you look happy

But I’m not; I live with depression

You don’t sound depressed

Ok. Why’s that?

You’re laughing and making jokes

But I still live with depression

You don’t appear depressed

Ok. Why’s that?

You look smart, clean shaven

It’s hard work, but I still live with depression

But you can’t be depressed

Ok. Why’s that?

You sit next to me at work and you work really hard, I’d know!

But trust me, my friend, I struggle with all the above, every day, because I live with depression

Vince Parker June 2020

Technology is an amazing thing. I have just come from a virtual meeting of my support group (Little Steps) via a video link. it isn’t the same as an actual real meeting, but my goodness, it is more than a first rate alternative.

I also have been having zoom meetings with my church and with with my choir. both which have been fantastic. To see every one at church and to be able to share and pray with them has been almost life saving. The same with choir, only no praying, just singing!!

On top of all of the above, I have over the last few weeks, eversince Lockdown began, been in receipt of a video linked assessment from a CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) therapist to decide what type of therapy would be best suited to me and after 12 weeks of assessment which amounts to 12 hours of work, it has been decided that I should undergo a course of DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). This is going to be a very intense, consisting of a 15 month course of treatment involving both group work and 1:1 work. it will run alongside my ‘regular’ therapy and will consist of, in total 4.5 hours of therapy a week. Eek! I have just said in my support group that i am not quite sure how I feel about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am inordinately grateful for it and I recognise how incredibly lucky I am to be given the opportunity of receiving such an expensive course of treatment. but if I am honest, I am a bit afraid of it. 4.5 hours of therapy is a huge amount, I have been warned that it is going to be very intense and that at times I will find it tough and that is what I am dreading. I wonder of I am ready, if I am strong enough to take it. I imagine, that it will take me to places that perhaps I don’t want to go.

I am also ‘scared’ of getting better? that might sound strange? but i have been hidden for 45 years, a long, long time. I have no idea what the ‘new’ me would be like. I don’t know how else to behave. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone? It is the same with my weight. I don’t know what it will be like to be ‘thin’. I don’t even know if I want to be thin. In many ways being thin is a great shield, it’s a great ‘wall’ to hide behind. How will people react to a ‘thin Vince’? How will I react to a thin Vince? After all and this may shock people, I deliberately made myself look he way I do, now that’s a confession!!

In my head, people are much less likely to want to become involved (and by involved I mean intimate) with me, if I am gross. By and large for the last thirty plus years this philosophy has been successful. Will Shedding the weigh, and looking like a normal person, whatever that means, make people want to become involved with me? Will it make me more available? Will I behave in a different way? Will I have to re-enter society, because to be frank for the past thirty-forty years I have taken steps to live outside it. Its easier to be on the outside edge looking in.

The older I get, the further away from ‘the crowd’ I get. quite honestly, I am now so far behind, away from the crowd, that at times I can barely see it and wonder if I have stepped just too far away?

This may surprise people, to read this; it is perhaps not the way that I portray myself, but something that I have believed for decades is that those of us who live with this awful illness depression, quite quickly become oscar winning actors. We present ourselves in such a way, that unless you know us very well, you would not know the turmoil that we are in.

It is of course also a form of self harm, some eminent people (eminent in the field of depression!) have described it is slow suicide. Having been close to suicide myself on several occasions, I’m not sure that I agree with that one. I can think of far better and surer ways and if it is a form of slow suicide, then it doesn’t work!!

Anyway, I think that’s enough for today, so till next time…………

Since 23rd March I have felt hemmed in

I feel like I’m being punished, but what is my sin?

I close all my windows, my doors and I hide

Switch off the tv and contemplate suicide

I crawl nearer and nearer to the black, black abyss

I am convinced in there I will find peace and bliss

Friends are worried, they contact me every day

They tell me they love me and that for me they will pray

But I remain indoors, eating rubbish, getting fatter

Coming to the realisation that my life does not matter

So, should I jump, take that life ending leap

For Surely this depression, I do not want to keep

Surely when dead it will not be the same

depression will be gone, no more mental pain

But there is no guarantee that life on the other side

Will free you from the thought that the answer is suicide

So that leaves me with a quandry, a catch 22

Death is not the answer, I do not know what to do

This makes me angry, I want to scream I want to shout

But somethig holds me back: I cannot let it out

I want to run, run away faster and faster

depression stops me, depression is my master

It is my manicle, it is also my fetter

I am a slave to depression: it stops me getting better

There is a way out: it is called therapy

But is is oh so hard, talking so much about me

My therapist tells me not to worry, we will work at your pace

Together we will win, but slowly, you are not in a race

My friends you must realise March 23rd is not the cause

For 45 years my life has been on pause

The details of my past you do not need to know

But forward into therapy, I am impelled to go

I am scared I can tell you, everything feels tight

but at least I can see the tiniest pinprick of light

So, hand in hand with my therapist, I walk to the light

Fast in the knowledge we will win every fight

She will release my hand at some future time

Then at last, my life will once again be mine

I will no longer be tied by that shackle and fetter

I will be whole, depression gone and I will be better

During the Lockdown, at the beginning, I was beginning to get some respect for Boris over his handling of the situation. I’m afraid that has now been completely destroyed and I now fall in the category of feeling ‘betrayed’ and feeling that this country is being led by a selfish hypocritical weasel whose only real interest is re-election. His refusal to sack or at the very least demand the resignation of Dominic Cummings, beggars belief.. if every parent followed their instinct for the safety of their children and did what Cummings did many, many thousands more people would die.I have already stated my thoughts on what Cummings did. so there is no need for me to reiterate it.Boris’ inaction to handle this situation other than to support him means that he is in real danger of losing the support of the Nation , which up until now he has had from almost 100% of us. if that happens, there will be a second peak, in which case both Johnson and Cummings will be personally responsible for the thousands of deaths that will follow.to be honest,

I do not know the law well enough to state whether I think his actions were illegal or not and I’m sure that if it came to, Cummings could afford a lawyer who could ‘prove’ that he did not. however, I do know the regulation of Lockdown well enough to know that he at the very least he has broken the ‘spirit’ of Lockdown. he is a disgrace to his party, and to the Nation..

I like many millions of others have sacrificed a lot to do our bit of course I am thinking about my own personal safety, but that is not the only reason. Everyone who has obeyed Lockdown has been thinking about not spreading the virus.

The sacrifices that the people of this Nation and in fact the world have made in order to help protect people and to stop the her virus from spreading is quite extraordinary; who can forget the parents of the twelve year old boy who died in hospital without his parents by his side, only Nurses in full PPE with their faces barely visible to hold his hands and his parents were even banned from attending his funeral. Cummings cannot even obey the simplest of lockdowns instructions; stay at home Don’t forget too, that this person (cannot make myself call him a man!), has been sitting in on the SAGE (the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies) meetings. This committee are responsible for advising the Government on all things regarding the Pandemic and yet he cannot respect the rules he helped create.

Not staying at home is bad enough, but not staying at home when he is in the company (his wife) of someone who is displaying symptoms is just unbelievable.

He could be personally responsible for the deaths of many thousands of people. Something that the seems to be forgotten is that this alleged event happened right at the beginning of the outbreak in this country when the ‘R’ (rate of infection) was at its highest; over three. This meant that every infected person is likely to infect three people, and each of those people in turn will also spread the virus to tree people. after twenty or so generations of this spreading means that one person can be responsible for spreading the virus to literally 100,000’s of people and causing the deaths of many 1000,s of deaths. another thing to remember is that there at least three people on that journal: his wife, who we know was displaying symptoms, his son and himself who were not as far as we know displaying symptoms but who actually could have been asymptomatic and therefore equally capable of spreading the disease.

apparently, Cummings is going to hold a press conference this afternoon, in which he will deliver a statement where he will try and explain his actions and then answer questions from the press. This itself is unprecedented that a civil servant will speak to the press and be questioned by them. We are living in an unprecedented world at the moment, unprecedented at so many levels. i look forward to hearing what this weasel of a man has to say. it is not thought that he will resign.

I have been ‘shielding now for 7 weeks, 7 long, long weeks. If I’m honest it is really beginning to get me down. I sit here and I crochet, which you will know is my favourite pastime, but you can only crochet for so long. So then I switch hobbies and do some painting in some adult colouring books, but to be honest, I am rubbish at it, so don’t paint for very long.

It’s almost worse since our illustrious leader, Boris, has started to relax the lockdown measures. Now people are allowed out, I’m jealous! I sit here with my French door open, letting in the fresh air seeing al the people going out, so much more than they did last week, and at times I have almost been in tears because I can’t go out too.

Since lockdown has started those seven weeks ago, I have been receiving therapy twice a week, from two different therapists, in collaboration with each other, one is my regular general therapy and the other is an assessment for a specific type of therapy, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy). It was decided last weeks session, on Friday she is not going to offer me DBT, instead she is going to offer me something called Cognitive Analytical Therapy, CAT., never heard of it before, so I suppose I had better read up on it and find out what I will be putting myself through.

I’ve had a horrible week, been having lots of awful, graphic flashbacks, which has rendered me short of sleep and on a couple of times not wanting to and in fact stopping myself from going into bed at all.

I get these awful feelings of hatred towards the perpetrator. One of the things that concerns me about the whole sordid situation is that he has made me hate and oh, how I loathe hatred. It is such a destructive emotion and due to my physical health, there is noting I can do whilst these feeling are raging in me like an out of control machine gun, discharging bullets willy billy. I can’t go for a run, or physically punch the shit out of a pillow. It would literally put my life in danger. So I just sit here an seethe.

Bastard, fucking selfish perverted bastard.

God, how I long to hear that he has died.

Have not checked this please excuse any typos/spelling mistakes.

When, like me, you are shielding from Covid-19, life becomes extremely mundane, so much so that I have almost lost track of time. I have to check on my watch as to what day of the week it is and as to whether it is week 6 or week 7 out of the initial 12 weeks of shielding, I have no idea.

Shielding is incredibly difficult. I had no idea how difficult I would find it. I did not realise how much I rely on people contact. I’m not talking about conversation, of course that’s important, but its face to face contact that I really miss. I can go up to and over 10 days without seeing anyone face to face to talk to. I have a couple of friends who I video chat with and that’s great, really great but it is still not the same as actually seeing somebody for real!

I also think that shielding is more difficult if you live on your own. Everything seems magnified. I keep telling myself to get a grip on myself. I have food in my fridge and cupboard, a decent roof over my head and people who love and care for me, even if I don’t get to see them very often. So I count myself as being rich and lucky: there are an awful lot of people who are far worse off than am I.

However, I am a bit nervous about what the future holds. The Prime Minister is going to address the Nation on Sunday at 7.00pm. During this address he is apparently going to inform us of what he is calling his ‘roadmap’ of what ‘phase 2″ of the lockdown will be. It is hoped that he will relax some of the measures. This is not going to affect me at all, I fear. The consensus of opinion is that it will be allowing people longer to exercises outside and instructing construction workers to return to work. We shall have to see.

I am 100% convinced that those of us who are shielding are going to have our period of total isolation extended. Probably until we have a safe and reliable vaccine, which we all know it is unlikely not going to be until roughly March next year may God help me. I really cannot imagine what life will be like in a years time.

As those of you have been kind enough to read my blog, know I am a member of The Rock Choir. Obviously we had to stop our weekly rehearsals right at the very beginning of lockdown, which we were all gutted about. However this fantastic organisation, who so obviously really cares about its membership and who equally obviously (sorry to use that word so may times), understands the importance and benefits that singing has on both your physical and mental health, have responded in the most amazing way.

Every day, at 3.00pm, one of the incredibly talented Rock Choir Leaders, somewhere in the country, holds a live streamed singalong last approx 20 mins, which is ‘tuned’ into by over 4000 of us Rockies. Our weekly rehearsals are now held once a week via zoom (members only, can only be accessed via the members area of the Rock Choir web site). Under normal circumstances, we have access to Audio downloads of all the harmony parts to the current song we are learning. During lockdown, we have access to video tutorials by our own leaders where we are taught our various harmony parts. Finally, yes there is even more, we have another zoom session on a Thursday evening for an hours singalong, no tuition, just a good old fashioned sing. Again led by our incredibly inspirational Choir Leaders. All of this is at no extra charge to our usual monthly fee.

I would like to take this opportunity to really thank Rock Choir. They have gone over and way, way above what they are expected to do.

I have heard that there are some members of Rock Choir somewhere in the country that have moaned/complained that they have to continue to pay their fees during these unprecedented times. Excuse me? In normal times our fees just cover the weekly rehearsals and downloads etc. As I have just demonstrated, we are now getting so much more for our money, so much more. So I say to those people, I have no idea who they are by the way, shut up with your selfish unsubstatiated moans and appreciate what a fantastic, inspiration and caring organisation we have the privilege to belong to.

On a completely different note. One of the huge personal benefits that has resulted in Lockdown, is that I have managed to save just over £400! This has occurred because as I am shielding, I have had to cancel the man, Andy Yakub from http://www.waterbox who maintains my fish tank and also had to cancel Michelle from http://www.handstohelp who helps keep my flat so beautifully clean. I miss them terribly, both their company and their services.

I was thinking and praying about this, amongst other things, as to what to do with this money that I have saved, as I did not want to fritter it away. I am going to buy myself a decent laptop.

Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011), an author and journalist one said that ‘there is a book inside everyone” a quote that most people have heard, but probably few knew who said it (to be honest, I had to look it up!). What most people don’t realise is that he finished the sentence with “and that is where it should stay!” Well that may be true, but I think there is 2 books inside me!

One is purely autobiographical and will never be for publication or indeed for anyone else eyes. It is solely for my own gratification and catharsis.

The second book inside me, may be for publication. This will be about Autism. Not a description of Autism or how to manage it, there is enough written about that already. Rather it will be about the effect that having a member of your family that lives with Autism has on the rest of the family and especially on how it affects siblings, who can suffer terribly.

I have started the first book and in fact have approx 40,000 words on my iPad. But in reality, an iPad is not the best device to write a large piece of work. Hence my desire for a laptop.

So wish me luck, they may never come into fruition, I sometimes doubt that I have the intellectual ability to undertake such a project!

Till next time x

One of the things that i have resolved to do during this period of isolation is not to become obsessed with the news. I have a tendency to put on the BBC News’s Channel for the whole time. But i began to realise that this was not a good idea for my mental health – it was causing me to worry excessively. So i have made the decision that all I would watch was the Downing Street press conference each day.

Now I’m not so sure that is a good idea!

I tuned in last evening as usual, and the statement from the 1st Secretary was fine, usual stuff really. But when Proff Chris Witty began my heart dropped. He intimated, but did not say that we would be in some for mock down for the foreseeable and that it would affect some people more than others. I took it to mean that those that are shielding, like myself would be in total lockdown until we found a vaccine and or drugs and that he vaccines is still many months away.shit! I thought, that’s me stuck in my flat fro the next year. Then the depression really took over and as usual i began to catastrophe. What if they do not find a safe vaccine that works? What if they never find any drugs that are safe and work? After all, scientists have been searching for a cure and a vaccine for the common cold and have never found one.

Then it got worse. What if nothing has been found by the winter, this up coming winter eight months away. Then it becomes flu season. Can you imagine the devastation that a combination of flu and Covid-19 could/would cause?

What makes matters even worse is that i live on my own. I can literally go four more than a week with out seeing anyone to talk to. I talk to people yeah, every day and video call as well, but is just not the same as seeing some one face to face, in fact it could be argued that it is worse as all it does is really ram the situation that the planet finds itself home, and home hard.The thought of having to stay completely locked down for a further year, petrifies me. I’m a big television fan and subscribe to every streaming service that i can. I have BT television, prime tv Netflix, NOW tv and as from today Disney plus. At the moment I am not subscribed to Britbox, but watch this space! Having said all of that, i can only watch so much television.

Another thing about being stuck inside all the time is that it not only affects my mental well being, but al;o my physical well being. I suffer with a bowel problem, after Christmas, of this year my bowel became fully implanted and I did not pass a motion for almost 5 weeks. I tell you I have not experienced pain like it in my life and i live with pain all the time (fibromyalgia), but this was simply horrible. Anyway, i wont go into details but it require hospital treatment to resolve the situation. it has left me with a a recurring bowel problem. One of the ways to get and please pardon the expression, things moving is exercise. This was made abundantly clear at the time of my hospital admission. I live in a one bedroom flat and according to the rules of shielding, i am not allowed out to walk. Because of my heart condition, veery short walks and I do mean short walks is just about all i can do. You try walking around your flat to exercise, its not really possible.

Right that’s enough crappy stuff, going to stop now. I’m going to switch on you tube and a have a singa long session with my choir leader, on line yes, but its great fun.

Again, i have not checked this, so please excuse any obvious typos!!

Laters!

Rob, who facilitates a support group that I am a member of has been unbelievably supportive during this awful, awful time. He has e mailed us nearly every day, sometimes more than once a day! He has also taken the time out to call us every week to see how we are doing. An amazing man!

In one of his mails to us, he asked to send him a list of our favourite 5 songs. I didn’t think that I could come with a full list of 5, but amazingly I did and I put a short commentary with each song. I thought I would share what I came up with.

1.  I Am A Rock. – Simon and Garfunkel

For a huge part of my life, I have felt that I am an Island, that I was on my own. The following verse particularly seems to parody a huge part of my life, especially my teenage years.

I’ve built walls A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain

2.  Bridge Over Troubled Waters. – Simon and Garfunkel

This song is dedicated to a woman who has been in my life for 38 years.  She has been by my side through thick and thin.  She has literally dried my eyes Hundreds of time, given me hugs when I need it and space  when I need  it Yet, to this day she does not know the reason why and has never pushed me to explain my distress  She is amazing and has literally saved my life many times.   There has been oodles of love and she has  spent countless nights in my bed, but theres has been not one ounce of romance. Absolute proof that opposite genders can have a very deep relationship without sex.

The opening verse sums it up.

When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I’m on your side
Oh when times get rough
And friends just can’t be found

3. This Is Me – Keala Settle (Rock Choir version)

This is my favourite song that we sing at Rock Choir.  It sums up how I feel since I have become disabled.  It explains how people with disabilities feel about how they are treated by the populous, but it is also a song if hope and is a great confidence booster.

The first verse grabbed my attention the first time I read it!

I’m not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you ar. But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

4. Abide With Me – William Monk

As I think most of you know, I do have a deep religious faith (Christian), despite my past! and although this hymn is sung an awful lot at funerals, it does sum up how I feel that Lord the is always with me.  The verse that I have chosen is the final verse and aptly sums how I feel.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless:
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness:
Where is death’s sting? where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

5. I Did It My Way – Frank Sinatra

My final song, is,  I guess, a song that a lot of people choose but is has to be Sinatras’  version for me.

I have not had an easy life,  but I have tried to live my life, despite my horrific past ‘My Way’ and not let the past dominate.  I haven’t  always been successful. but boy have I tried.

The verse I have chosen, is I think the third verse and sums it up for me.

The the line, I Planned Each Charteerd Course, is particularly pertinent to my Career working with those have Autism. This Career spanned 25 years and ended with me being appointed Senior Manager of A Charity providing Residential care and work projects for for over fifty adults living with Autism a post o held for 8 years. 

I managed 4 houses each with five people living in them and two work projects each with 25+ people working in there and I managed a team of 70+ staff! 

I meticulously planned every single step in order for me to reach my last position.  By the time my career ended, (health issues forced me to stop), I was officially the most experienced person in the country in the hands on care of people living with Autism.  I worked with people aged 5 – 93 and did it My Way. I am sure that you will all know the verse I have chosen,

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

I cannot remember a time as we are currently living. The media keeps on talking about that there hasn’t been a medical crises like this in a generation. Well I looked up how long is a generation: the consensus seems to be 30 years. That would take me back to when I was in my late twenty’s’. The only thing that I can think of that was the the AIDS campaign back in the early eighties, but in all honesty the two just do not compare.

I, like at least 1.5 million others am in total lockdown. This means that I am not advised, and in fact as Michael Gove reiterated in yesterdays Coronavirus Downing Street briefing, am Instructed not to leave the house at all. I would not have thought that it would be so bloody tough.

One of the toughest things that I am finding is the lack of human contact. Up until yesterday, I had not set eyes on let alone speak to, another person. Even if I opened my door to get a bit of fresh air, the streets are deserted. It is a very surreal situation, one that is difficult to cope with whatever your situation and yet cope with it we must. The thought of not coping with it is just too awful to even deliberate upon. The more people do not isolate, the more people will die. I saw a clip on the television the other day that really bought it home to me. I’m not sure where it was, that is in fact irrelevant, but a police officer was encouraging people to go home. They were ignoring him, until he got out his taser, pointed it at them and told them in no uncertain terms “you are killing people by not going home”. Wow! That really hit home for me. I have absolutely no understanding of people who are ignoring these instructions that are there simply to save lives.

Another thing that has struck me and this is on a completely personal level.

I have, on occasions contemplated taking my own life. I have also done things inadvertently to achieve this, like stop taking my medications. It took a therapist to point out to me, that this was an extreme act of self harm. But now that we are all in the same situation, where if we are not careful then death is possible, I am doing everything I can to prevent it! I was talking about this to my therapist during our last session via a video call, strange in itself! She asked me why did I think that I felt like that. I had to give it very little thought. It is a matter of control. I have no control over this pandemic, not really. If I want to end end it all, then I want or even need to be in control of that. It has to be my decision, not that of a microscopic organism.

One other thing that I want to mention and this is just an observation. The medical authorities in the United States have stated that it is advisable to wear a face mask during this crises. Whether you think that is sound advice is irrelevant to my point. President Trump has stated, that it is very unlikely that he will will adhere to this advice, he more or less stated that it would make him look silly if he wore one in the Oval Office. Who does the man think he is? He is the leader of the worlds most powerful and arguably the most influential nation. It is his duty to follow what the medical advice is. Ultimately it does not matter if it makes any difference or not. It cannot do any harm. Does he think that because he is President that he is automatically immune for the virus? I know that I am not American and I hope that my comments does not offend any American who reads this, not my intention. It is as I said just an observation.

I shall stop here. Keep well and keep safe.

I’ve called this entry, ‘Anew year, a new start’. I know that it’s a bit of a cliche, but like most cliches, they have an element of truth in them.

Firstly , I feel that a bit of an explanation is called for. I’ve been absent from this blog for several weeks now, some of that was deliberate, some of it not. Let’s start with the bit that was not deliberate, its easiest!

For a couple of weeks, well approx 16 days, I was struck down, that’s actually a bit too dramatic. I had a bit of a nasty virus. It couldn’t quite make up its mind, whether it was a cold, ear nose and throat, sinus or chest infection, over the course of the fortnight or so, it moved up down, left right, all over the bloody joint and for its duration it’s true to say that I felt rotten and the last thing on my mind was writing an entry on the blog! I’m over it now, have been for a couple of weeks, to be fair. Consulted the Doctor (by phone, didn’t think it was worth a face to face consultation) and she was absolutely right, just sit it out and let it run its course, so I did and it did! Lesson to be learnt there!

The other reason that I have left it alone was I became acutely aware that my past was dominating my every thought, I couldn’t get away from it. I shut my eyes and there it was, I closed my ears and there it was, I tried to sleep and there it was and I tried to write and there it was. I thought at first that it was having a cathartic effect and maybe it was.

I then thought that just maybe it was doing me no good, ranting on and on, venting it all out. I had some fantastic support from those of you who were kind enough to read my writings and they really helped, more than I can say, but I also thought that the right place to vent all these thoughts was the therapy room. That’s what therapy is there for. Hopefully, therapy will give me the tools to deal with these thoughts.

I’m not saying that it will never come up again, that would be a foolish statement, its bound to. An experience such as that, is obviously never going to be that far from my thoughts. I am, though going to make a concerted effort not to let it dominate. I am going to try my hardest to no longer let it define me, for defining me it was.

I don’t make New Year Resolutions, thay set you up to fail. I made one thirty years ago and have never broken it. What was it? I resolved never to make another resolution! So it may raise its ugly head again but hopefully it will not be the sole topic if my meandering.

I am acutely aware that it is 01.13 in the morning of a new decade. It’s amazing to realise that we are 20 years into the 21st century. Who remembers to the fear of the millennium bug? It is 23 years since Tony Blair won his landslide victory and entered No. 10. I remember that day so well.

My younger brother had been placed into a medical coma, he had pancreatitis and was given a less than 5% chance of survival. He did survive, against all odds. He was awoken after 6 weeks on the morning Blair won the election. In the time he was in the coma, our Grandfather had died and was cremated, his daughter had her first birthday (on the day my Grandfather died!) and she started to walk. To paraphrase a quote from the sixties ‘that was a six weeks, that was!

It also means that it is thirty years since the fall of Margaret Thatcher, thirty years, can you believe it?

Still fat. Not lost any weight. I’m going to ask my therapist, when I next see her to refer me to the eating disorders clinic, she seems to think that I have an eating disorder (and after doing some reading, I’m inclined to agree with her) and she has promised to refer me, I now think that the time for that referral is now.

I’m still crocheting. Was in fact crocheting when the New Year struck. I’m making myself a messenger bag, whatever that is, it looks more like a crochet satchel if you ask me, anyway as soon as it’s finished. I’ll post a picture of it and perhaps you’ll tell me what you think.

Still belong to the Rock Choir, we are on break at the moment, restart week beginning 13 Jan. Can’t wait.

What else? Well that’s about it really. Can’t think of anything else to bore you all with, except to wish you all a really great 2020. I send you all love and hope that the next year is better than the last. (Hope that doesn’t sound too ‘Darius’, lol!).