Strawberries, raspberries, gooseberries. Blueberries, watermelon, basically all soft fruits are labelled super foods. Well if that’s the case, I should be as skinny as a rake! I eat a lot of soft fruit when they are in season and I have yet to have any personal evidence that eating the so called super foods, aids weight loss.

I spoke to Connor (the personal trainer who is supporting me through this) and what he told me was really interesting and made absolute sense.

Fructose, the sugar within fruit has a parallel pathway within the body as refined sugar (bog standard Tate and Lyle white sugar – other brands are available, lol!). In other words, all fruits turn to the same sugar as any fruit does and I suppose the same counts for carbohydrates, they all turn to the same sugar. Consequently, eating too much of them will make you gain weight not lose it!

So what does this mean for me? I suppose that it means that I am kidding myself, when I tell my self that eating a carton of watermelon is ok, even after the punnet of strawberries that I ate earlier because it is a soft fruit and therefore a so called super food..

Everything in moderation! That’s what they tell you isn’t it? Well I suppose it’s about time I took my head out of the sand, and dropped all these saying and quotes etc., from my head to heart, in other words, believe them, otherwise they become cliches.

Cliches don’t make you lose weight, a good balanced healthy eating regime does. I know this and I know that I know this, but how do I start to really believe this, because as Connor pointed out to me today, until I do believe it, I will not be able to consistently practise it (my paraphrase).

Practise makes perfect but it doesn’t come easily, or quickly and it is ok to make mistakes and make mistakes, I will. But I am going to try and not enter that downward spiral of negativity that my depression and anxiety want to lead me towards.

How am I going to keep on the straight path? I don’t know, that’s the subject matter of another blog another time.

Without doubt, my favourite part of the week is Wednesday evening and every other Thursday morning. I sing in a choir – The Rock Choir. Rock Choir is the largest contemporary choir in the country, with officially 25,000 members. Although I think it has probably exceeded 30,000, as those figure go back several years.

Singing with the Choir is the only thing that keeps me going. Most people have heard of the therapeutic benefits of singing and how it releases Endorphins, which literally make you feel better. But it is so much more than, the choir I belong to on a Wedesday evening, regularly has approaching 100 singers. They really look out for and after me. In fact that is not quite true, because we all look out and after each other. It is a real community.

Of all the songs we sing (and by the way, we are good!), my favourite by far, is from the show the The Greatest Showman. I find it really poignant and it can bring me to tears and very often does. I’m going to close today by putting the lyrics on here. I’ll let the lyrics speak for them selves..

For the last two nights, I have been unbelievably hungry. If I’m totally honest, I’m not sure whether it has been hunger or an uncontrollable desire to just eat. I think that it is the latter, because thinking about it I cannot be hungry. I have made sure that I have had a reasonable meal, of chicken and rice the first night and breaded fish, mash and sweet corn yesterday. Anyway, I ended up having three slices of granary toast and marmite on both occasions. The bread was from a small loaf, I.e. 400 gms instead of 800 gms . This probably means that, in reality, I won’t have done too much damage, if any considering that I am eating so much less than I was.

But the guilt!! I ended up almost in tears. I felt pathetic, weak willed, I suppose that actually I am weak willed, I suppose that is the truth. It’s a huge vicious circle, the more I eat, the more I feel guilty, the more I feel guilty, the more my anxiety levels rise, the more my anxiety levels rise, the more I eat, and so the cycle goes on, it beggars the question, what’s the point of continuing, I was happier when I just filled my face and ate what I wanted, when I wanted it., I knew that it would be hard, but I expected to last longer than just a couple of weeks.!!

I shall try not too tonight. For my meal tonight, I am going to make a chicken and vegetable curry. Which me luck that I do not end eating a load of unhealthy stuff later in the evening.

Ok, well, not had a brilliant day, have struggled all day not to eat and what’s more, struggled not to eat crap!

Woke up really hungry this morning, unusual for me as I normally dont eat in the morning. I had a bowl of malted shreddies for breakfast followed by a small banana. Strangely, that didn’t pacify me, so consequently my ‘hungry’ quite rapidly turned to ‘hangry’!

I thought about how I was feeling and came to the reasoning that it didn’t matter what I ate, only crap and heavily carb laden food would satiate me. Bearing that in mind I chose not eat anything, with the exception of a second banana.

Not a good thing I suppose, but at least I am thinking, more than ever before, about what I eat, have not yet got around to why, that will come later. Quite honestly, I’m frightened of that bit, frightened as to what I might uncover. Not ready to face that, perhaps I never will be.

Had a chat earlier with one of my dearest friends, who has supported me for years. She is definitely against me having surgery. Now that I am working with Connor and it seems to be working, this time last year, I was almost thirty stone, now according to the hospital, I’m just over 26st. I find that difficult to believe. It makes much more sense to me that either my scales are wrong, or even more likely that the nurse made a mistake in the calculation when she converted from kilos to stones.

What Caroline has said has made me think. But then I recall what the surgeon said “we need to get you to lose weight as quickly as you can for you general health and wellbeing. I dont know what to think, if you pardon the pun, its food for thought!!

By the way, I also have fibromyalgia……

Had a consultation this morning with a Mr James Byrne, a bariatric surgeon. The first thing that happened was I had to get on the dreaded scales and be weighed. I was dreading it as I know that the weight limit for bariatric surgery at this hospital is 28st, and I knew that I was heavier than that.

I couldn’t believe it when the nurse told me that I was 26st 3lb! I’ll take that!

Then went in to see Mr Byrne, a lovely, amiable man. Kind and understanding. He was in agreement that one of the three surgeries available would be hugely beneficial to my overall health but because of my heart condition, (my heart is permanently beating an irregular rhythm – Atrial fibrillation), he is concerned that I may not be able to take the operation. If I’m honest, that bought me right down with a bump. I was completely deflated. I told the surgeon straight that I was desperate for the operation, as I am sure it is linked to my mental health. I informed him, not as a form of blackmail, but as the truth, that I was worried because either the excess weight I am carrying would kill me or I would die by my own hand as I feel that I cant carry on like this.

I am tired, tired of being fat, tired of being depressed, tired of being tired! Just bloody tired

You see, this is what happens to me, I get along ok, feel quite good and then bang, i come tumbling down like a sack of crap, i cant help it. The saying goes that I cant see the wood for the trees, well I cant the effing forest at times.

What upsets me when this happens is that all this is a minor set, not the end of the story at all. I have to see the anaesthetist to see if Imy heart will take the aneasthesia. God I hope so.

By the way, I also have a chronic anxiety order…..

Where does one begin.?

I’m 57 years old and I’m fat! Theres no getting away from it, I’m fat, in fact I think I’m gross, but that’s a matter of opinion.

I hate the word obese, it’s a horrible word, and it has all sorts of stigma around it. Obese people are just greedy, they cant stop eating, they look sad and so the insults go on, I’ve had them all thrown at me and it hurts. If anyone who is overweight tells you different, then they are not being honest.

Apart from being fat, I am also kind, caring, a good friend, honest, politically minded, dont worry, politics is not going to be a feature of this blog, well it might be, but only a little😉😉.

I also like to crochet and am completely self taught (God bless the man who invented you tube!!). I can cook, but for reasons that will become clear later, at the moment dont do much cooking. I keep tropical fish. I have the most amazing tank. Its five foot long, three foot wide and two and a half foot deep. It is my pride and joy.

So that’s a little about me.

I have started this blog as I am starting out on a massive weight loss campaign. I have engaged the services of a personal trainer who specialises and in fact is very passionate about nutrition, to help me in this campaign. Also this morning I have a consultation with a bariatric surgeon to consider weight loss surgery. I shall report how the consultation went in my next blog.

I want to share how I am getting on, all the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the ins and out of what it is truly like trying to loose a massive amount of weight, I’m talking 15+ stone! It’s going to be a long hard tempestuous road to traverse. There may be demons exposed and hopefully excised. I shall fall off the wagon numerous times and when I do I shall be honest here and try and work out how and why it happened, and work out how to get back on that bloody wagon, before it gets too far away from me and disappears into the sunset.

So there you have it, want to join me, encourage me, give me tips? Please do. I think I have set this up so that people can comment

By the way, have I told you that I am also severely and chronically depressed…..

Those who matter dont mind, those who mind dont matter

— Oscar Wilde.

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.